I wrote this months ago and I didn’t post it to the blog. Why? Sometimes I wonder if I share too much. Is it necessary for me to reveal my most private issues like social anxiety? Well, after some thought I have decided yes it is necessary. This blog is about self-discovery and pushing myself to be a more self-aware person so here goes.
Recently the local TV station, WMCT-TV, interviewed me. I had done a couple of newspaper interviews about climbing Kilimanjaro, but this was the first TV spot. Of course, climbing Mt Kilimanjaro is not remarkable on its own; many people climb Kili every year. The fact that I did it eighteen months after a Bone Marrow Transplant makes it noteworthy. Also raising money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society gives the story another wrinkle. I was surprisingly relaxed about appearing on camera. It is easier to talk to a camera than a flesh and blood human being. No stress about remembering a name or saying the wrong thing. I have social anxiety, which most people would find hard to believe. I hide it well I think. On the surface, I try to smile and concentrate on what people are saying. On the inside, I have nagging fears. I am sure I will call someone by the wrong name or misspeak and offend them. It is a constant drumbeat of doubt and it can be exhausting. It would be easier to stay home, but I do not want to be a hermit.
I enjoy forming meaningful relationships with people. It’s the struggle of small talk that bedevils me. I want to know what you love to do; what brings you joy? What do you fear? What makes you laugh? Tell me about your life experience. We are all products of our upbringing and events. What makes you, you? Of course, you can’t delve into the inner workings of someone’s mind until you know them a bit. Some people I would rather not get to know better (being honest). Hence the need for small talk. You have to dip your toe in the water before you decide to dive in. Therefore, I push myself to meet new people and socialize. I know I sometimes come across as standoffish (is that a word?) or conceited. That is not the case. I feel insecure approaching strangers.
Recently, my stepson Chris got married to his sweetheart Bri. I have met Chris and Bri’s friends several times at various parties. Even though I know their friends, I’m extremely hesitant to call them by name. The entire reception I don’t think I addressed a single person by name. The drumbeat of doubt continually pounds away. You’ll say the wrong name or something inappropriate, you’re going to offend someone says the negative ninny in my mind. I smile, socialize and pray I don’t have to introduce anyone. I told my husband years ago “Don’t wait for me to introduce you, just stick your hand out and say hi I’m Steve. If you wait for me to make the introductions, you’ll be waiting a long time.” It can be awkward at times, but I can’t seem to get over it.
Back to my rising star of celebrity. I have been asked to speak at the Rotary Club about my experience battling leukemia and climbing Kilimanjaro. A second ago, I said I have social anxiety so you might think public speaking would be an issue right? I know people that have heart palpitations when they think about public speaking. It doesn’t bother me; in fact I enjoy it. I have an interesting story to tell and I want to raise awareness of blood cancers. When you’re in front of people there is no personal interaction. You are talking at them, not with them. No small talk, no names to remember. I’m looking forward to it.
All told, I have done two newspaper pieces, one TV interview and now an upcoming speaking engagement. Oh yes this cancer gig is working out for me. I’m a celebrity in my own mind. Can fame and fortune be far behind?
Below are links to my press:
Wmct-TV interview
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAxGy6Vq57E
Metrowest News
http://www.metrowestdailynews.com/news/20170130/hudson-cancer-survivor-to-climb-mt-kilimanjaro
http://www.metrowestdailynews.com/news/20170405/hudson-cancer-survivor-scales-mt-kilimanjaro