Lymphoma – Life after Leukemia

Celebrity?

Sometimes I wonder if I share too much. Is it necessary for me to reveal my most private issues like social anxiety?

I wrote this months ago and I didn’t post it to the blog. Why? Sometimes I wonder if I share too much. Is it necessary for me to reveal my most private issues like social anxiety? Well, after some thought I have decided yes it is necessary. This blog is about self-discovery and pushing myself to be a more self-aware person so here goes.

Recently the local TV station, WMCT-TV, interviewed me. I had done a couple of newspaper interviews about climbing Kilimanjaro, but this was the first TV spot. Of course, climbing Mt Kilimanjaro is not remarkable on its own; many people climb Kili every year. The fact that I did it eighteen months after a Bone Marrow Transplant makes it noteworthy. Also raising money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society gives the story another wrinkle. I was surprisingly relaxed about appearing on camera. It is easier to talk to a camera than a flesh and blood human being. No stress about remembering a name or saying the wrong thing. I have social anxiety, which most people would find hard to believe. I hide it well I think. On the surface, I try to smile and concentrate on what people are saying. On the inside, I have nagging fears. I am sure I will call someone by the wrong name or misspeak and offend them. It is a constant drumbeat of doubt and it can be exhausting. It would be easier to stay home, but I do not want to be a hermit.

I enjoy forming meaningful relationships with people. It’s the struggle of small talk that bedevils me. I want to know what you love to do; what brings you joy? What do you fear? What makes you laugh? Tell me about your life experience. We are all products of our upbringing and events. What makes you, you? Of course, you can’t delve into the inner workings of someone’s mind until you know them a bit. Some people I would rather not get to know better (being honest). Hence the need for small talk. You have to dip your toe in the water before you decide to dive in. Therefore, I push myself to meet new people and socialize. I know I sometimes come across as standoffish (is that a word?) or conceited. That is not the case. I feel insecure approaching strangers.

Recently, my stepson Chris got married to his sweetheart Bri. I have met Chris and Bri’s friends several times at various parties. Even though I know their friends, I’m extremely hesitant to call them by name. The entire reception I don’t think I addressed a single person by name. The drumbeat of doubt continually pounds away. You’ll say the wrong name or something inappropriate, you’re going to offend someone says the negative ninny in my mind. I smile, socialize and pray I don’t have to introduce anyone. I told my husband years ago “Don’t wait for me to introduce you, just stick your hand out and say hi I’m Steve. If you wait for me to make the introductions, you’ll be waiting a long time.” It can be awkward at times, but I can’t seem to get over it.

Back to my rising star of celebrity. I have been asked to speak at the Rotary Club about my experience battling leukemia and climbing Kilimanjaro. A second ago, I said I have social anxiety so you might think public speaking would be an issue right? I know people that have heart palpitations when they think about public speaking. It doesn’t bother me; in fact I enjoy it. I have an interesting story to tell and I want to raise awareness of blood cancers. When you’re in front of people there is no personal interaction. You are talking at them, not with them. No small talk, no names to remember. I’m looking forward to it.

All told, I have done two newspaper pieces, one TV interview and now an upcoming speaking engagement. Oh yes this cancer gig is working out for me. I’m a celebrity in my own mind. Can fame and fortune be far behind?

Below are links to my press:

Wmct-TV interview

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAxGy6Vq57E

Metrowest News

http://www.metrowestdailynews.com/news/20170130/hudson-cancer-survivor-to-climb-mt-kilimanjaro

http://www.metrowestdailynews.com/news/20170405/hudson-cancer-survivor-scales-mt-kilimanjaro

Who am I to argue?

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A couple of weeks after I returned from Kilimanjaro I received two unexpected yet welcome pieces of mail. First, a note of encouragement from a retired oncology nurse. This woman doesn’t know me. I assume she read my story in the local paper. She congratulated me on my recovery and urged me to keep it up. I’m touched that she would think about me in the midst of her busy life. She has confirmed what I already knew; nurses are extraordinary people. Oncology nurses in particular have a special calling. They work incredibly hard caring for critically ill people. Some patients, like me, can be a pain in the butt. I think I’m funny, but I’m not sure the nurses always agreed.

She also sent me a graphic that said, “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.” Yup I agree with that. There is no sense waiting around for things to happen. You can enrich the life you’re living today. No matter what the circumstance you can get out of bed in the morning with goals for the day. When I finally came home from the hospital, my goal was to walk ten steps further than I did the day before. My first day I walked from the car to the kitchen, and then I needed a rest. It was about 10 steps so I figured the next day I would double the distance! Kilimanjaro was not on my radar screen I promise you that.

Did I have a great positive attitude every day? No. Somedays I cried, whined, and felt sorry for myself. That usually passed quickly since nobody wants to listen to me whine, especially me. Many days I was extremely frustrated with my progress. That feeling persists today. I still have issues with fatigue and memory. I can’t remember if I used to have a good memory, but I think I did. Ugh, I’m getting tired thinking about it. I question if I will ever completely recover. All I can do is try my best. The only thing I control is my attitude.

Back to my unexpected correspondence. I also received a letter from The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. They want to give me an award!? LLS funded the research that saved my life. I feel like I should give them an award. Honestly, it baffles me. I’ve done a couple of fundraisers for LLS. That’s it. What I have done for LLS pales in comparison to what they have done for me. In addition to life saving research, they provide online discussion boards, which have been extremely helpful to me. They offer more patient services than I can list here. In the future, I would like to motivate others to fund raise, but to date I’ve done little. Well I intend to accept my award graciously however undeserved it seems to me. Who am I to argue?

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Whole lotta fund raising going on

As my training regimen intensifies, fundraising also ramps up. When I embarked on this adventure, I was concerned with my physical strength. At the outset, my muscles had the consistency of pudding and I got winded on the escalator. I recognized that I would have to dedicate a significant amount of time to training. I knew that I would have to finish strong with my fundraising in order to meet my $10,000.00 goal. That is what I am attempting to do, finish strong with a fundraising push in the last 2 months. We leave for Africa March 17 and the end date for funds is April 1.

Our team fundraiser, The Zombie Prom was Saturday Feb 4^th. It was a smashing success. My team mate Christine and I were the makeup queens. For a donation, we would apply Zombie makeup. The serious Zombies showed up with makeup and some of them were impressive.

As a team, we raised over $3000.00 and it was a blast! We had the event at Jalapeno’s in Bellingham and the food and drinks were excellent. Drinking, dancing and zombie debauchery made for an entertaining evening.

I am hosting a fundraiser concert Sat. Feb 18. Dave McLellen of C.I.Y.L.R. (Concert in your living room) is donating his time and talent. My friends Meg and Paul are kindly providing the venue. Meg mentioned in an offhand way that I could use her house for an event. Unbeknownst to her I had recently contacted Dave about doing the concert. The words were no sooner out of her mouth when I took her up on the offer. They have a nice open concept home that should work great for a classical guitar concert. So far, I have sold 18 tickets and people have been generous, paying anywhere from $20-100.00 per ticket. There are at least six other people who say they are going, but haven’t purchased a ticket yet. It is driving me a little crazy. Seating is limited so I need to keep close track of the numbers. I want to sell 25 tickets, but I’m not sure if I should sell to other people or if they are really coming. Buy the ticket already would ya? You can buy a ticket here: https://www.facebook.com/events/1306520436072819/

IMG_20170203_113714818 — Handcrafted quilt donated by Christa Nee

My friend Christa donated one of her handcrafted quilts for me to raffle off. I’m calling it the Cosmic Quilt Raffle. I’ll be posting an event on Facebook to kick off the fundraiser. I need to sell at least 30 tickets at $10/each. I think the quilt is too attractive to let it go for any less than let. I may end up going door to door if I have to. You can buy a ticket by going to my Climb 2 Cure website and making a donation. I will mail you the raffle tickets.

So far, I have raised a little over $6000.00. When the funds from the Zombie Prom are disbursed, the tally will be near $7000.00. Three grand to go. Where am I going to find $3000.00 in donations? The quest continues. I’m training hard and chasing dollars. Kilimanjaro looms large.

You can donate here: Climb 2 Cure